Knock yourself doubt!

"In most cases abuse is a self inflicted punishment carried out by the hands of others."

He despises the work he does to make a living yet he has been in his cab every night for the last 25 years driving around the same city. He knows it all so well that he could do every run with his eyes closed knowing every street the veins on his own hand. Passing by faces that are all too familiar. He remembers glancing in his rear view mirror and seeing a younger man in his reflection. Fresh dreams of traveling the world and seeing new places. He spoke of it so often all of his regular passengers would ask "Hey Frank when are you going to take that trip?" His response would follow in his familiar low tone  "One of these days i'm gonna be gone."  For years he would arrive home at dawn resting for much his day. He would rely on the company of his customers since his schedule did not allow much of a social life. He would drag his feet every afternoon yet somehow his sense of duty and loyalty made it difficult to leave. His entire lifestyle trapped around this meaningless pattern of events. He would watch the partygoers, businessmen, artists, musicians and families interact  feeling a sense of unimportance compared to their busy lives. Yet worst of all tortured by the lovers who affectionately embraced in his backseat. A feeling he knew he would never have. So heartbroken by loneliness, stressed by despair and burdened by lost dreams he was eventually found hunched over in his car after a sudden severe heart attack. He certainly kept his word for one day he was gone.
   This situation presents the sorrow of a man abused by his own sense of duty to that which had no return investment. Allowing ourselves to remain trapped in our own fears is psychologically abusive. We watch our dreams die slowly to give life to someone else's vision and gain nothing in the process. At least we think we gain nothing if we fail to recognize the lesson in our experiences. There is also the matter of perception in which our desire for something else can blind us from all that is valuable in our past and present. This feeling of torture and dutiful imprisonment may bring a sense of freedom and peace to a lonely office worker who would enjoy the breeze of the open road. Thus we should always recognize the benefit of our circumstance while continuously seeking higher ground. Psychological abuse is not the only form of abuse for some are burdened by their own emotion or the emotions of others.
    I recall a close friend of mine who met a young woman who he sincerely cared about and they eventually had a few beautiful children together. Their initial happiness became a silent suffering feeling trapped in a world of emotional instability. She began to secretly resent their relationship for not being in alignment with her personal aspirations. Over time this resentment became anger and rage directed inwardly but primarily at him. Unable to diagnose his presence being the source of her frustration he blindly pushed forward ignoring all of the signs. She did everything she could to push him out of their home including making his stay there less than desirable yet he endured hopelessly holding on to the memory of what they once were. Eventually he naturally became angered by her treatment towards him. In time she expressed her true feelings yet his attachment to their ideal relationship became a roadblock to acceptance of what she expressed to him. Years of misery soon followed as they played the cat and mouse game of chasing and attacking each other becoming the target of their counterparts frustration, resentment and anger. Dumping years of emotional trauma on each other with no regard for the fact that they were trapped in a cycle of self victimization. The solution became so apparent by anyone on the outside looking in yet they found slight comfort in the eye of their storm. Selfishly their emotional residue polluted the environment for their children who became infected by it resulting in behavioral issues in school. The emotional abuse is particularly dangerous because it blocks the flow of healthy energy and is contagious to all without a strong emotional defense system. It will eventually destroy you from the inside out and cause depression, stress, anxiety and other issues that will become physical and lower the quality of life. Emotional abuse tends to outlive the situation that caused it and becomes harder to remove the longer it goes untreated. We begin to lie to ourselves about our self worth. We convince ourselves that we deserve to be treated as less than human. We may even abuse ourselves by being trapped in someone else's emotional condition. Our sympathy can cause us to dedicate our time and energy to pulling someone out of this condition who refuses to and in time we ignore the fact that we are being pulled deeper into the same condition. Know that you deserve nothing but the best and can do nothing to force someone out of self destruction. You can only remind someone of the potential of their worth and do your best to inspire them from a safe distance outside the boundary of their polluted aura.
    The most obvious and easily detectable forms of abuse is the physical. This is seen in the woman wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day to hide her black eyelids and the man concealing the scars on his back and arms where his skin lies under his partners fingernails. Yet their guilt and suffering bonds them in ways most could never understand. Their quiet loyalty making it impossible to even reveal their plight concerned about the well being of someone with no regard for their health and safety. Yet neither has the power to walk away physically and so they leave in their mind for a better place only known by them. This is the boxer who in his age can no longer risk a blow to the wrong place. The thousands of hits to the face and head. The bruised ribs and forgotten medals lost in a legacy soon abandoned by the next great fighter. Somehow his ego will not allow him to leave at the height of his career so he continues to fight the less qualified to keep his name relevant. Of course this strategy works to his advantage as his fans and critics taunt him to fight someone worth the challenge of what he used to be in his younger days. The image of a former champion permanently branded into the minds of the world who refuse to recognize his inability to function at the level he once did. One day he accepts a fight with a young up and coming fighter to prove once and for all that he is the greatest of all time like so many before him. He fights with the heart of a man who has everything to lose against an individual with the world to gain. He endures round after round of punishment. In his ear he is encouraged by his corner to quit while he is ahead which of course he refuses to do for it would be considered defeat in his mind. He is unexpectedly hit by a swift combination that sends his 190 lb. frame crashing to the mat like a demolished building. This fight cost him not only his reputation but his ability to function normally due to extensive brain damage from a lengthy career of taking blows to the head. Beneath his confident strong exterior he was tired of fighting. Subconsciously he knew the risk of continuing yet he feared he would no longer be relevant. Truthfully his last fight with an opponent was years ago and every fight since then became a battle of self importance with his own ego. Be careful of the abuse you allow whether it is mental, emotional, physical or otherwise. Know that you do have the power to make it end by building up your self worth. What you think you are gaining is nothing in comparison to what you will gain in peace, health and harmony. You must always take self accountability for how others treat you for in most cases you sign a mental contract of silent permission based upon what you will allow yourself to tolerate.